Three Fairy Tales (or The Doncaster New Year’s Dishonours List)

January 3, 2009

The Barnsdale Brigade have decided to create a New Year’s Dishonours list to celebrate our local scumbags. After much debate we decided that these were the most dishonourable bastards in Donny…

kirkham

In 3rd place, it’s Robber Baron Sir Graham Kirkham who bought his peerage from the Tories. Legend has it that he was so upset when his mate went to prison that he cried for three days until a little fairy found him and, because he was so upset, granted him a little wish. Graham wished for capital to start a successful furniture store so that he could give his friend a job for life when he got out of the slammer. Lo and behold the fairy provided the capital and Graham and his mate lived happily ever after – or at least until Graham went beserk in a road rage incident last year.

winterpetition
In 2nd place, Elected (a term used to disguise the fact that this is the most undemocratic thing that could have happened to Doncaster short of a Nazi Dictator) Mayor Martin Winter. Martin was a major player (some might say a ‘father figure’ – or even a ‘godfather figure’) in Doncaster council when the council was run like a Mafia. This council was brought to ‘justice’ (ha!) during the Donnygate incident and when Martin found out how bad his associates had been he began to cry. “How can I make amends for my friends mistakes?” he wept. He had been crying for three days when a little fairy found him and said “I can help you make amends. There is a poor little town in Germany which needs your help. If you buy their wheelie bins at an inflated price – even though you can save Donny taxpayers money if you buy elsewhere – they will be immensely grateful.” Martin bought his wheelie bins and everyone (except the third of people living in breadline poverty in Doncaster) lived happily ever after.

jim
And last but not least, in 1st place, we have our old friend, none other than the arch bastard himself… Mr Jim Beresford! Mr Beresford was a humble solicitor going about his daily business when he found out from the NUM website that there were thousands of poor, sick miners who were entitled to compensation from the government. Jim felt so sorry for the miners that he cried for three days. A little fairy found him and said “Why are you so sad? You can help the miners.” And so Jim did help the miners. And the miners were so grateful they paid Jim double money. And Jimbo lived happily ever after – at least until he was struck off for malpractice.

We know that there are some people out there who don’t believe in fairies, but we say to the doubters – how else do explain where these men’s wealth came from?

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One Response to “Three Fairy Tales (or The Doncaster New Year’s Dishonours List)”

  1. Dave E said

    Can any other town ‘boast’ such a trio of utter bastards…

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